Cleaning out my laptop lead me to old videos.
The ones where I was once sympathetic towards you.
So I guess you took away my option of caving in by letting me wait this whole time.
I over estimated myself on this.
Isn’t this a rare sight.
Ah maybe I should stay away from my computer too.
Is it okay to feel this terrible.
Are you feeling this terrible?
Being near my phone is quite dangerous at the moment.
I’m being reckless right now.
I didn’t think I would ever be drunk before the sun hit the ground.
I need to sober up soon and face reality…eventually.
Thinking about it.
Do it or not to do it.
Ugh. I’m pretty damn sure it will hurt though.
For the first in years I want to be surrounded by my high school classmates again. I want to be with people who remember Alyssa the same way I do. I feel so much regret because Alyssa and I had drifted but a chance made its way to me with this whole transferring schools yet I didn’t take it. Of all the schools I transferred to it was the one school she did too. We may not have been close friends as we were in high school, but it would be have been better than the drifted friends we were. Now I can’t even choose because she’s gone. I was shy and nervous since we hadn’t talked in such a long time, but I took too long.
I’m at least happy that I mustered the courage to watch her volleyball games at Whittier because I got to see her amaze me all over again just like before.
I can’t quite deal with death the way I see it done ideally. All I do is write the memories we had together because I no longer can ask you to recall them. I only have these memories and only I can recall them.
I really am. Not talking to you is the most awful sensation I’ve had to date and what we’re doing here really makes me see and feel just how much of a presence you have in my life. Despite doing this, I still feel the same about breaks; they do absolutely do nothing to solve any problems but serve as a little time period before the break-up. Because seriously this is not solving any of the problems we discussed but only testing my ability to resist or not to resist talking to you. If I finished this time period unable to call or feel the want to talk, hold, see, feel, or even dream about you then maybe it is time we break-up. But look, here I am writing this.
Also, I didn’t even make one day without calling you and before that I had to hold myself from saying ‘Good Morning Love’.
So now I’m just going to be sitting here until the weekend trying to distract myself from the fact my other half isn’t here to complete me. But how does one go about doing that? I honestly don’t know how I am to survive the week.